몇 살까지는 결혼을 해야 뭐 어떻고, 이런 틀

32세의 L씨는 이성교제를 시작한 대학 1학년 때부터 나이차가 나는 남성들을 좋아했다고 합니다. 대학 때는 7~8세 차이 나는 연애를 했다는데요. 본인이 20대에는 나이가 좀 많은 남성들도 20, 30대이니 괜찮았는데 30대에 들어서도 여전히 나이 많은 남성을 선호하다 보니 만남의 기회가 적다고 하네요.

왜 그렇게 나이 많은 남성이 좋으냐고 했더니 편견인지는 몰라도 남성들이 나이차이 나는 경우와 그렇지 않는 경우에 여성을 대하는 태도가 다른 것 같다고 합니다. 구체적으로 말하자면 나이가 어리면 보호본능이나 책임감을 느껴서 “내가 널 책임질게” 이러는데, 나이가 비슷하면 “내가 이만큼 해주면 너도 이만큼 해줘” 이런다는 겁니다.

그렇게 한결 같이 나이 많은 남성을 선호하던 그녀가 최근 들어 그런 생각이 조금씩 흔들린다고 합니다. 주변에서 “너랑 7~8살 차이가 나면 40이 넘는데, 그 나이에 결혼해서 언제 애 낳아 기를래? 환갑 넘어서까지 자식 수발할 거냐?”면서 반대를 한다는 겁니다.

L씨도 그렇지만, 많은 경우 몇 살까지는 결혼을 해야 뭐 어떻고, 이런 틀을 갖고 결혼준비를 합니다. 그래서 그 때까지 결혼을 못하면 행여 뭐가 잘못 될까봐 혹은 본인의 계획대로 안 될까봐 걱정을 하거나 무리수를 두면서까지 서두르기도 합니다.

우리는 이렇게 결혼 같은 인생의 많은 부분을 타인의 시선이나 기준으로 설정하는 경우가 많습니다. 결혼을 내 생각과 상황에 맞게 다시 설계하는 것도 필요할 것 같습니다.

L씨의 경우, 나이 많은 남성이 좋은데 주변의 만류로 머뭇거리는데요, 결혼은 내가 하는 건데 왜 다른 사람 얘기를 듣고 결정해야 하나요? 그리고 결혼한다고 꼭 아이를 낳아야 하는 건 아니지요. 요즘엔 부부 둘만의 삶을 위해 출산을 안 하는 가정도 적지 않다고 합니다. 결혼은 공통관심사이다 보니 이래라 저래라 말들이 많습니다. 그럴수록 마음의 중심을 지켜서 자신의 기준을 갖는 게 중요합니다.

여러분들이 생각하는 결혼은 어떤 건가요?

오래 전에 읽은 해외 유머가 생각나네요. 에어컨이 고장난 차를 타고 가던 부부가 있었습니다. 남편이 창문을 열려고 하니 부인이 말리더랍니다. “이 더운 날 창문을 열면 남들이 우리 차 에어컨 고장난 거 알거 아니예요?”라고 하면서요. 싱글들의 영원한 주제는 “어떻게 하면 좋은 사람을 만날까?”입니다. 사실 그 정답은 이미 그들 마음 속에 있는 걸요. 유연한 시선과 태도로 사람을 만나는 것입니다.

New Blueprint for Your Marriage

There is no age limit to get married

Here is Ms. L, aged 32.  She started dating guys since freshman in college.  During those young days, she used to prefer much older men, like 7-8 years older than she was.  Now in her 30s, she has very limited choice since her favorite age group would be in late 30s/early 40s, and most of men of this ages have already got married. 

Asked how come she prefers older men, she says she is not sure but probably older men are relatively more generous and trustworthy.  In relationship with a man of similar age, things are quid pro quo, or one-on-one.  Men of similar or the same age expect from women the same in return for what they offered to women.  But, older men tend to be giving without demanding payback from women. 

Recently she is increasingly unsure about her preference for elder men, for the reason of the ‘age.’  Assuming she marries a guy in 40s, the kid(s) between them would be barely 20 when the papa is already over 60s.  She thinks this would be hard.

Ms. L is not alone in being dictated by this age deadline.  Many singles detain themselves in this age limit, i.e. getting married or having kids by a certain age, etc. and worry themselves to death or are rushed to do something irrational if things don’t happen according to their self-imposed timeframe. 

So, what kind of marriage do you picture?

Often than not, we tend to mind others expectation, rather than to follow our own heart, in deciding on marriage or other grave matters in live.  Let us focus on our own thoughts and situation and design our marriage, rather than trying to satisfy others’ expectation.

As for Ms. L, she is still attracted to older men.  However, she is forced to suppress it, for people around her are against it.  She may certainly listen to others’ thoughts and opinions, however doesn’t have to be DICTATED by them.  Others may throw in their own voices over matters like marriage, and they probably do so wishing the best for you.  However, it is YOU who is the master of your own self, and sort out what to accept and what not to.

Let us hear our singles’ thoughts on the topic of marriage.

Man 1: I have an elder sister and an elder brother.  Both of them got divorced.  I think it’d be best for my parents to have a good life myself.  My folks say that I don’t need to rush to marry just because I am already past the age to get married.  I am now in my mid-30s.  Certainly I will marry someone I get to fall in love with.  However, I don’t want to marry just about anybody who is just okay to be a spouse.   

Woman 1: Prime age for marriage has been increased to age 30.  So have changed our thoughts.  We need to have a new thought about marriage.  I know a couple.  The husband is the only son of the family.  The wife suffered several miscarriages and they finally decided not to have children.  The husband’s parents were in grief at first, but later compromised themselves to accept this for the sake of their son’s happiness.

Man 2: It’d be okay to stay single if you are able to manage yourself financially.  Divorce is not a rare thing any more these days.  I am only in early 30s.  Already, three of my 7 close friends got divorced.  Seeing them like this, I have lost confidence to have successful marriage life.  I will look for a future spouse, but I will not rush on it. 

Woman 2: I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers.  All my brothers got married, and three of my sisters and myself are still single.  We are a source of great concern for our parents.  I don’t want to risk a rushed marriage only to end up in divorce.  But, it’d be lame to do nothing in anticipation of something bad that might (or, might not) happen in the future.  I will venture and keep looking for someone to marry.

I remember reading a humor story long time ago.  A couple was driving a car with broken air-conditioning on a hot day.  At last, the husband was about to roll down the window.  Then the wife yelled “honey, no!  People will know we are driving a car with broken air-con.  The eternal subject for singles is ‘how and where to meet the one in our life.’  Let us just keep our mind and eyes open and the one you were looking for will happen in your life.