작작 하시지요, 밀당

결국 자기 꾀에

자기가 넘어가는 상황

남녀관계는 고도의 심리전이라고도 하지요. 본심은 숨긴 채 마음에 없는 말과 행동을 하기도 하고, ‘밀당’을 하기도 하고요. 그런데요, 여러 목적을 갖고 전략적으로 대응을 하다 보면 결국 자기 꾀에 자기가 넘어가는 상황이 생기기도 합니다. 뭐니뭐니해도 진심만한 게 없다는 것이지요.

이후녀(20대 후반 여성) J씨가 그런 경우입니다. 소개팅 후 상대가 애프터를 했는데, 속으로 너무 좋으면서도 ‘여자는 한번은 튕겨야 한다’는 생각에 거절이라기보다는 약간 망설이는 태도를 보였다고 합니다. 그랬더니 남자는 두 말 안 하고 돌아서더랍니다. 이후에 얼마나 후회했는지, 그런 사람 만나기도 힘든데, 하는 미련이 참 오래 갔다고 하네요.

2년전 쯤 모 방송사의 짝짓기 프로그램에서 한 남자 출연자는 자신이 인기남이라는 착각에 빠져 결국 누구의 선택도 받지 못했던 일이 떠오르네요. 그는 마음에 있는 여성에게 아침에 죽을 대접했는데, 그 여성은 뜨거워서 식으면 먹겠다고 했는데, 그는 그것을 밀당이라고 받아들였고, 그녀가 자신을 좋아한다고 착각해서 “난 oo에게 관심이 있다”고 하면서 그녀의 마음을 떠보는 행동을 했습니다.

그의 행동은 시청자들 사이에서 화제가 되었는데요, 보면서 욕을 했던 그의 행동들, 사실은 많은 사람들이 저지르는 실수이기도 합니다.

어설픈 밀당은

남녀관계에서 백해무익

30대 초반의 수련의 J씨도 요즘 성격에 안 맞는 밀당을 하느라 마음 고생이 크답니다. 만난 지는 얼마 안 되었지만 만날수록 호감이 가는 여성이 있는데요, 남자쪽에서 적극적으로 나가는 게 당연하다는 생각을 하면서도 너무 들이대면 그녀를 놓칠 것 같은 생각에 본의 아니에 밀당 비슷한 것을 한다네요. 만나지 않을 때는 이틀 정도 먼저 문자나 전화를 하면 그 다음날은 연락을 안 하는 거죠.

그녀에게서 연락이 올 때 드는 생각은 딱 하나. ‘그럼, 그렇지. 내가 생각하는대로 돌아가네’라는 게 아니라 ‘감사합니다. 당신이 연락 안 하면 난 정말 후회했을 거예요’라는 안도감이라고 합니다. 그래서 그는 스트레스 받는 밀당 안 하고, 솔직하게 마음을 고백하고 그녀의 처분을 기다리겠다고 합니다.

30대 초반의 E씨는 일반화의 오류에 빠진 경우입니다. 교제할 때 문자가 전화에 답이 늦으면 밀당하는 거라는 말을 많이 들었는데, 실제로 교제하던 남성이 그런 상황이 자주 생겼다고 합니다. 그럴 때마다 그는 회의 중이거나 이동 중이어서 잘 못들었다고 했다는데요. 그녀는 그 말을 안 믿고, 밀당이라고 생각해서 화가 난 거죠. 알고 보니 그의 말은 사실이었고, 그는 자신을 오해한 그녀에게 큰 실망을 해서 한동안 두 사람은 힘든 시간을 보냈다고 합니다.

어설픈 밀당, 혹은 나쁜 남자 콘셉트 같은 것은 남녀관계에서 백해무익입니다. 정말로 좋아한다면 그 사람 마음을 상하게 하면 안 되지요. 그냥 한결같은 모습으로 한걸음, 한걸음 다가가는 것이 최선이라는 생각이 드네요.

Push-n-pull in Romance

You may fall into your own trap

Some say relationship of a romantic couple is a highly-charged psychological tug-of-war. Sometimes it looks like just a game of charades, or at other times it is a push-and-pull. Well, you may not want to do too much manipulation of the situation, for you are likely to fall into your own trap you set up yourself. No matter what, being truthful is the best breakthrough of all.

Here is Miss J in her late 20s. She met a guy in a blind date. She got so much fond of him. But, when he asked her for next time, she thought it’d be good to show him a sign of hesitation as if to tell him she was so sure about him. She thought this would somehow make him want her even more. When she responded like “well… I don’t know..,” he simply shrugged it off saying “that’s fine, good luck” and walked away. She was devastated and could not forgive her for her stupid hypocrisy and so forth.

There was a man who participated in a matching program on TV about 2 years ago. He was disillusional about himself and thought he was real popular among women. In the end, he was not chosen by any woman and disqualified. In an episode, he offered a woman a bowl of hot rice gruel. She said she’d rather eat it later than right now as it was still steamy hot. He took her reaction as a sign of actually wanting him but pretending as if she was not interested, thinking she was just playing the push-n-pull gimmick. He tried to use this same tactic on her based on his belief that she fell for him, and tried to get her to be jealous to another woman participant over him. In the end, he was deserted by both.

The viewers who watched the program sneered and jeered him for his self-deceit and lack of truthfulness. But, are we much different? Many of us actually make the same blunder he made, don’t we?

Silly push-n-pull is good for nothing in romantic relationship

Mister J is a medical intern in early 30s, and these days he is having hard time being in the middle of this push-n-pull with his girlfriend. He met her only recently. And he has a feeling for her. While he wants her to be his girlfriend, at the same time he is afraid that if he reveals his feeling for her, this may scare her away. At times he intentionally does not call or text her for a day or two, and puts himself under tremendous torment over the thought that she probably may not call him back and slip away from him. Finally, he made up his mind that he will confess his feeling for her and ask her to love him back.

Yet another story. Miss E is in early 30s. She got into a trouble in her relationship by what she thought was a typical pattern of push-n-pull. She was told that when the guy gets lazy in picking up the call or calling back he is playing this push-pull game. Her boyfriend was actually missing a lot of her calls or texts often. He gave his excuses that he was either in a meeting or driving. She didn’t believe him and thought he was just pulling on her leg. Actually, he was telling the truth, and because of her suspicion their relationship got sour for a while, just because of her misinterpretation of her boyfriend.

Clumsy push-n-pull or bad macho guy approach doesn’t help in your relationship. If you genuinely like her/him, just show your feelings, and don’t do anything silly to hurt the other’s feeling. The best approach, I believe, is to stay truthful and loving.