밀당은 백해무익. 튕기지도, 떠보지도 말 것!

밀당은 백해무익. “튕기지도, 떠보지도 말 것!”

남녀관계는 고도의 심리전이라고도 하지요, 본심은 숨긴 채 마음에 없는 말과 행동을 하기도 하고, 밀당을 하기도 하고요. 그런데요. 여러 목적을 갖고 전략적으로 대응을 하다 보면

결국 자기 꾀에 자기가 넘어가는 상황이 생기기도 합니다. 뭐니뭐니해도 진심만한 게 없다는 것이지요.

이후녀(20대 후반 여성) J씨가 그런 경우입니다. 소개팅 후 상대가 애프터를 했는데, 속으로 너무 좋으면서도 '여자는 한번은 튕겨야 한다‘는 생각에 거절이라기보다는 약간 망설이는 태도를 보였다고 합니다. 그랬더니 남자는 두말 안하고 돌아서더랍니다. 이후에 얼마나 후회했는지, 그런 사람 만나기도 힘든데, 하는 미련이 참 오래 갔다고 하네요.

2년전쯤, 모 방송사의 짝짓기 프로그램에서 한 남자 출연자는 자신이 인기남이라는 착각에 빠져 결국 누구의 선택도 받지 못했던 일이 떠오르네요. 그는 마음에 있는 여성에게 아침에 죽을 대접했는데, 그 여성은 뜨거워서 식으면 먹겠다고 했는데, 그는 그것을 밀당이라고 받아들였고, 그녀가 자신을 좋아한다고 착각해서 “난 oo에게 관심이 있다”고 하면서 그녀의 마음을 떠보는 행동을 했습니다.

그의 행동은 시청자들 사이에서 화제가 되었는데요. 보면서 욕을 했던 그의 행동들, 사실은 많은 사람들이 저지르는 실수이기도 합니다.

30대 초반의 수련의 J씨도 요즘 성격에 안맞는 밀당을 하느라 마음 고생이 크답니다. 만난지는 얼마 안되었지만, 만날수록 호감이 가는 여성이 있는데요. 남자쪽에서 적극적으로 나가는 게 당연하다는 생각을 하면서도 너무 들이대면 그녀를 놓칠 것 같은 생각에 본의 아니에 밀당 비슷한 것을 한다네요. 만나지 않을 때는 이틀 정도 먼저 문자나 전화를 하면 그 다음날은 연락을 안하는 거죠.

그녀에게서 연락이 올 때 드는 생각은 딱 하나. ‘그럼, 그렇지. 내가 생각하는대로 돌아가네.’라는 게 아니라 ‘감사합니다. 당신이 연락 안하면 난 정말 후회했을 거예요.’라는 안도감이라고 합니다. 그래서 그는 스트레스 받는 밀당 안하고, 솔직하게 마음을 고백하고 그녀의 처분을 기다리겠다고 합니다.

30대 초반의 E씨는 일반화의 오류에 빠진 경우입니다. 교제할 때 문자가 전화에 답이 늦으면 밀당하는 거라는 말을 많이 들었는데, 실제로 교제하던 남성이 그런 상황이 자주 생겼다고 합니다. 그럴 때마다 그는 회의 중이거나 이동 중이어서 잘 못들었다고 했다는데요. 그녀는 그 말을 안믿고, 밀당이라고 생각해서 화가 난 거죠.

알고 보니 그의 말은 사실이었고, 그는 자신을 오해한 그녀에게 큰 실망을 해서 한동안 두 사람은 힘든 시간을 보냈다고 합니다.

어설픈 밀당, 혹은 나쁜 남자 컨셉 같은 것은 남녀관계에서 백해무익입니다. 정말로 좋아한다면 그 사람 마음을 상하게 하면 안되지요. 그냥 한결같은 모습으로 한걸음, 한걸음 다가가는 것이 최선이라는 생각이 드네요.

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Push-and-pull in love is NO good. Don’t Even Try...

Love relationship is a highly charged psychological war, so we say. Sometimes, they say one thing when their heart tells another. Some other times, they play push-and-pull with each other. But they at times fall into the traps created by their own gimmicks and tricks. In a nutshell, there is nothing that works better than TRUTH in a relationship.

Ms. J is a divorcee in her late 20s. She had a blind date and she liked her partner. To her pleasant surprise, he asked to see her again. Although she was more than happy to hear this, she gestured to be hesitant thinking woman should play as if to say ‘I am not an easy girl.’ And this guy gave up asking her right on and walked away. She had tons of regrets later for long, as he seemed to be a great guy and she wouldn’t be able to meet a guy this great again.

I remind myself of a guy who participated on a matching TV program a couple of years ago. He was so deep in self-deceit as to think he thought he was the most popular guy on earth. In the end, to his painful surprise, he was not selected by anyone participating in the program. One time, he offered a steamy rice gruel to a woman participant he was drawn to. She declined his offering saying she would eat it later, for it was too hot. He believed she actually fell for him but was saying this because she wanted to play push-and-pull with him. Even further, he said to her that he was actually fixated on another woman participant thinking that this tactic would work and make her jealous over him! His vain and clueless behavior was heavily ridiculed by TV viewers at that time. But is he the only one, really, who makes such silly and good-for-nothing gestures? Actually quite a few people are making similar mistakes as he did.

Mr. J is a medical resident in early 30s. He is currently having hard time engaging in this push-and-pull. Recently he met a lady. The more they see each other, the more he is drawn to her. He thinks that he needs to make it clear to her that he likes her. However, at the same time he is afraid if he advances too much, she might step back and walk away from him. So, he is troubling himself with this push-and-pull to finally get a hold of her. Now he has suffered enough, and changed his mind. He plans to stop this nonsense push-and-pull, and confess his heart to her, and leave the rest to her decision.

Ms. E in her early 30s is a victim of this prevalent push-and-pull myth. She was told from others that when her boyfriend delays return calls or text messages it should be taken as this so-called push-and-pull. And her boyfriend often times didn’t respond to her calls or messages soon enough. She thought he was playing this silly push-and-pull, so was mad about all these. Actually her boyfriend was NOT, but it so happened he was really either in a meeting or driving so that he couldn’t respond to her calling right away. After this, they had hard time mending their scarred relationship, as he was also mad at her thoughtless misunderstanding.

Silly push-and-pull, or bad guy concept, etc. Those are good for nothing in love relationships. If you really love your girl/boyfriend, why do this stuff to your loved ones and hurt their feelings? Why aren’t you just true to your feelings and step forward in your love relationship with your loving partner!